I am officially a Registered Nurse. Dad read me the letter congratulating my passing the NCLEX exam! Phew! That's one more step to my future, but you know it really doesn't matter the details of my future. I am just so excited about living in Christ... and I have a whole life ahead of me, I can't even imagine what it holds, but I know WHO it will be full of. Oh, there's nothing better than to have that confidence.

I am almost weeping now as I write this because I am a little emotional over watching Anne of Green Gables. What a classic. I loved that movie as a little girl and it's so beautiful - the life Anne lived. She made room to dream, to use her imagination, and followed the advice of Marilla Cuthbert and made 'room for romance' If only the whole world lived as they did long ago- taking time for people, taking time to play more. It's not half or even a quarter as serious as we make it. I am pretty sure God wants us to dance and play.

My mentor was praying over me in session and the Lord gave her a vision of me as a sheep (in my mind, one who has a high degree of 'no clue') and my Shepherd was calmly coming alongside me. Walking with me. And then the vision transformed and His precious girl twirled about. It was almost like I could feel the room spinning as Jesus spun me around. What girl doesn't wanna spin, know she's lovely, and know she's cared for. Oh right now I know and its overwhelming. [more weeping].

It's so true though! Just like Anne we were once orphans, and we all have a Matthew Cuthbert Father figure who falls in love instantly, loves us like crazy and would do anything to honor and bring out the true beauty in us: the string of pearls, the beautiful dresses and fabrics... We become adopted! Part of a family! How valuable is a family when you recognize that you were truly without one before-lost and alone?? Now we're part of something bigger and more beautiful than we had ever hoped or imagined. Another aspect of the Deity that fills us is that Gilbert- oh His gaze is fixed, and his pursuit is intense, and though we reject Him, and we think he can't possibly be as good as he appears, He IS. Oh, beloveds He is. And He loves us deeply and will not stop at anything to rescue us from our own pride- our thinking that being on our own is better. He knows that relationship is better, and He's just waiting for us to make time for romance.

Thank you Jesus for lining up feelings with TRUTH! I am so blessed and honored to be only yours. You are forever faithful! My heart is yours.

The Bible’s purpose is not so much to show you how to live a good life. The Bible’s purpose is to show you how God’s grace breaks into your life against your will and saves you from the sin and brokenness otherwise you would never be able to overcome...religion is ‘if you obey, then you will be accepted’. But the Gospel is, ‘if you are absolutely accepted, and sure you’re accepted, only then will you ever begin to obey'. Those are two utterly different things. Every page of the Bible shows the difference. Dr. Timothy Keller

Let the accuser roar of sins that I have done. I know them all, plus thousands more. Jehovah knoweth none. --unknown hymn

It's amazing what love motivates us to do. I've said it more than once that I hope to continue to fall more in love with the Lord so much so that I am a fool for him. This may sound fanatical to some, but I imagine Jesus sounded like a fanatic when he was saying he is the son of God. That's just kinda how he does things. But I have found the more I come into knowing HIs love, the more fanatical I become! Jesus came to clarify that it's not about works. He wanted us to know that our identity is not found in what we do. The world and religion tries to tell us the opposite... "I am a lawyer" "I'm a nurse" "I'm a student" "I'm a runner" "I play guitar" "I'm a blonde"
Isn't there more to us than that? Aren't human beings infinitely valuable? I believe they are if God allowed His son to die for us while we were DEAD and in Sin (It's like it says in Romans: It's one thing to die for a good man, but another to die for a man who is dead... dead in his sin). Wow. He LOVES us! He considers us of great value. I believe it's our SPIRIT that relates to God. It's what makes us different than every other creature here on earth and the trouble is when we are born our spirit is deformed, dead in sin. The Good News is that Christ came, was born with a Live Spirit, lived a perfect life, and even though he had no debt owed for his sin (yep he did not commit one) He payed the price for all of ours. Why? So we could be with HIM. Sin separates and Jesus' sacrifice unites. He gives us His Holy Spirit, His life (the old has gone and the new has come) when we accept it to be true (remember it's true, therefore I believe it) and acknowledge our spiritual death and rebirth at the cross. We aren't just forgiven, but we are given a new identity. Pure, holy, child of God. There's nothing we can do/not do to change that.

Hear this: Our sin has NOTHING to do with us! Our behavior is not who we are. The more we realize this the more we can accept ourselves and accept others. Who wouldn't want to love a precious child of the King of Kings?! Our behavior is irrelevant in God's economy- in eternity- at the judgement seat of Christ all things not done if faith will burn up like wood hay and stubble (this includes good things we did for our own selfish purposes, out of self strength) and those done in Christ will last. Your behavior is NOT your identity! Remember Jesus calling the pharisees out because they thought they were righteous because of what they did? They were wrong. They missed the point. They missed the love relationship with God.

You see, when I know that my righteousness is totally totally given to me from Christ I can rest, stop trying to earn or fabricate something that I already have and live in relationship. My life may look similar to someone living by the law b/c they are good principles but they will struggle all their lives to live for a God who has impossible expectations and punishes when I mess up or miss the point. Focusing on the law makes you miss relationship and rely on self. When I recognize the depravity of self strength (end of self) I can totally surrender. I am FREE. I am FREE to be ME in the Presense of a loving father God, my companion, my fortress, my deliverer.
So I dont live for a God who has harsh demands- who would want to be intimate with a stone cold person like that? I live for a God who loves me and gave Himself for me. How could I be anything but obedient to Him, I mean, I hardly have to think about it because I know my identity, I know where I stand with Him, I experience His presense and the power in that and I dont have to look for love or significance because I have all I need in Christ Jesus, in His life that He freely gives. Wow. Mind-boggling...

These words were too powerful and profound to keep to myself, but in light of being dependent on Christ for every need and condering ALL things lost for the sake of knowing Him this woman much have had incredible intimacy with her Jesus. She knew him and the fellowship of His sufferings and His resurrection life and more...

We are at Jesus' disposal. If He wants you to be sick in bed, if He wants you to proclaim His Word in the street, that's allright, everything is all right. And this is our strength and this is the joy of the Lord.
Total surrender to God must come in small details just as it comes in big details. It's nothing but that single word, 'Yes, I accept whatever you give and I give whatever you take.' And this is just a simple way for us to be holy.
To be holy doesn't mean to do extraordinary things, to understand big things, but it is a simple acceptance, because I have given myself to God, because I belong to Him--my total surrender. He could put me here, He could put me there, He can use me, He can not use me. It doesn't matter because I belong so totally to Him that He can do just what He wants to do with me.
-Mother Teresa

Now THAT is total surrender that that is what God asks and that is what Christ did at the cross, giving up all his rights to be obedient to death for the joy set before him. And when we surrender our rights we are agreeing that God is ENOUGH to meet our needs and that His plans are best. This place of total surrender is where rest is- what can man do to me when all responsibility is place on God to do what HE wants to do. So freeing, So hard, but so so so important. So necessary to allowing Him to work in you, because that which you are holding so tightly to, claiming to thing you need that thing, if it's not God is only keeping you in bondage.

Christ has an exchange.

Trusting Christ JEsus as my life means that moment by moment I am free to choose to :
give up the right to be accepted by people, I am willing to be/feel rejected therefore trust CHRIST alone as my COMPANION (that is just the word He gave me. He will giveyou just the exchange you need if you ask Him. He's worth it!)

And that is just one of the many examples. I can joyfully release that and know that even if I am rejected my world is not crashed in because that need is totally met in Christ. There are tons of rights I have been giving to Him and there is so much freedom and victory to be had when I release that prideful control. Here's the powerful prayer we pray after the Lord leads people to give up rights:

"I give you permission to do anything You wish to me, with me, in me, or through me (um wow what are the implications of that??!!) which would glorify You.
I claimed these rights at one time to be mine, but now they all belong to YOU and are under Your control. You can do with them and with me anything You please. I know that this does not eliminate my responsibilities nor my obedience to You or Your word. (It only relieves me of my control over specific areas of my life as you continue to transform me and make me more like Christ).

Lord I want you to do whatever with me- whatever it takes to know you as my portion to the deepest part of me. Glorify yourself God! Your ways are so much better.

Psalm 46:4There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the Most High.
5God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God will help her right early [at the dawn of the morning].

I wanna look at this through the eyes of the new covenant:

"There is a river (living water of the Holy Spirit) whose streams shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles (I am the temple of the Holy Spirit: He has made me holy and He has indwelled me with this river of His spirit) of the Most High. [The Most High God lives in you! That's what happened at salvation, and yes, you have the holy spirit as well. I don't think that the Trinity could be separated and you just received Jesus, right?] God is in the midst of [me!], and [I] shall not be moved (is He not my fortress, my stronghold and am i not rooted and grounded in His love born of His Spirit?) God will help [me] right early at the dawn of the morning. (Yep, He's there when I wake up- My love is there desiring to meet my needs because there is nothing, absolutely not one thing, I can do to meet them on my own. But I have all I need in this Holy Spirit inside of me if I just:
10Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. (even if my world is falling apart, He gives deliverance!)

And I leave you with this:
11The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our Refuge (our High Tower and Stronghold). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

If you just so happened to be driving down Regent Park drive tonight and saw a very sweaty girl smiling like a fool in love, you saw a free daughter of the King. Me. I was just so glad that in His presense if the fullness of joy. I am glad that He ran beside me and He ran through me (for some reason I had a lot of energy today... I think it started with the million things that He is doing in my spirit and it just had to get out somehow... I also had a J.C. from Moe's instead of vegetables or peanut butter crackers for dinner) Anyway.

The Lord has been faithful to make the gospel so personal to me (answered prayer number one). I asked Him "what exactly am I free from? Show me not only my flesh but the absolute root of it. " boy was he faithful to reveal that prideful stuff. The world has deceived me but the TRUTH has set me free.

The world tells me I have to earn everything, right down to the needs only God can meet: love, acceptance, worth/significance, security. I have been told all my life that I can meet those needs through spelling love P-r-a-i-s-e, through earning acceptance by doing nice things (but really, how many nice things are enough nice things) through finding significance in the praise of others and security in my own ability to be strong and control (ummm BIG HUGE LIE: I really am NOT in control even if I feel like it) I have bought into the lie that "I can do it" and it had built up as a stronghold in my life. It's like that little lie lives in a fortress, made stronger by my thinking that all things in my life I deserved because of what I did, how well I performed. But anything not done in faith is sin and my righteous "good" acts are like filthy rags.

So what is pride? It's you being your own God, thinking I don't need God. It's you (and definitely me too) thinking I am capable of meeting my God-given needs, which only GOD can meet, MY way! Who am I to think I can do His job?

And isn't that the original lie? In the garden, Satan told them that they would have knowledge of Good and Evil and they would be AS GOD. Their own God. What a crock that turned out to be!!!! Adam and Eve bought into a lie and were deceived, but all along God had a plan.

And God has a plan for all of us! The Lord has faithfully brought me to a point and I could fill up 100 virtual pages of the details of how he has revealed how so often I try to find life elsewhere. But guess what- there's no life there! And I am humbled.

There is LIFE in the PRESENSE of the LIVING GOD and nowhere else. Being in this bubble for 6 weeks has helped me see that and I can only sit and wait to receive more revelation from Father in His timing because I know His presense is a powerful thing. How refreshing to be still and know that He is God. I really dont think it's a bad thing sometimes (mmm maybe even most of the time) to shut up and stop telling Him who he is (since He already knows that) and just BE. Just acknowledge that He is God. He is Here. Especially those moments of conviction or confusion or worry. One version of Psalm 46 says
10 Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth!

recognize? understand? Lord please dont let me miss you in the moment! I want more than to acknowledge you: I wanna understand. You are so faithful to lift me from circumstances to see things from your perspective. Thank you that there is no better place than with you, even in the midst of a busy room you are so real. Reveal more God! I trust that you are real and you are living in me so bring revelation knowledge of YOU, the person who loved me and gave himself to pay a great price even while I was still dead in sin, you made me alive in Christ so that you could be with me. That truth is so hard to grasp but I believe it.

I renounce the lie and anything is better than You and joyfully accept the truth that you are the only one who can meet my needs.
I renounce the lie that my worth comes from any source than you because that is idolatry and joyfully joyfully accept the truth that you are eternal, this world and things in it will perish, and I am a partaker of eternal life: Christ's life, and my worth is fully in Him and because you lovingly created me in your very image. I am yours...precious and beloved. Make that a reality to me.

He still speaks!!! The Holy Spirit is our connection- that is one way how God is everywhere- and we communicate spirit to spirit with Him... if you sense a truth in your time of being still and knowing He's God (He's love, He's sovereign, He's true and real) take it on faith that it's him. He has much to say to love on you and to guide you into all truth. That's the Holy spirit's job, not yours! But even if He is silent, His presense is enough. Isn't it good when you are close to someone, when you care about them deeply that silence is ok, in fact even pleasurable and pleasant. Just BEING with that person is enough when you don't have to SAY anything. Sometimes words fall short. Language is so limited but spirit talk- just that heart understanding that is from Father is, well, indescribable. I don't want to miss out. (cool article: http://www.walk-this-way.com/4_keys_virkler.htm one guy's experience)

I am tired of lesser lovers. I am tired of being deceived. Thank you for the full and complete life you offer. Thank you for transforming me. OH I am such a work in progress but I cling to you because knowing you is enough. YOU are enough. You are real. Not a man who walked around 2000 years ago doing cool stuff, but the Jesus who rose to new life and is living today at the right hand of Father and IN Me!!
My mind cant conceive it God but you know I want you! Help me to
recognize
understand

be still.... and KNOW
YOU
are God.

He's breaking me, he's taking out my prideful rebellious side that wants to control.
I find joy in releasing the reigns to my God who is able to do 'immeasurably more than I could ever hope or imagine' HE is better! His ideas are better, His plans are better than any I could imagine on my own. He is my source for life and godliness and my only hope for security and acceptance.

He's been showing me who He is as a Father and Protector. I found myself praising Him for a difficult circumstance in my life, offering it up to Him as it is totally baffling to me of how to handle it. He quickly responded to my heart:

Don't worry about this my precious daughter. You are more valuable to me than you know. I will take care of your situation and you can just rest. Just rest and know that I love you and care deeply for you. You don't have to have all the answers, the why's, the how's because I have them in my hands. I see the big picture. Just trust me.

I was so humbled in that moment. How long have I been trying to control, looking for ways to fix, to make others happy when Father just wanted me to yield to Him?! It's so simple yet he allows circumstances to break us and to show us our deficiency in the midst of His sufficiency. Father is soo trustworthy and in that moment it was like my perspective totally changes, my mood changes, my emotions line up with the truth (even though I still felt a little hurt HE was faithful to lift me out of despair) and I was able to know that i know that i know that He spoke this to me. That's all I need.

As usual, a song came on the i-pod that rang to true by switchfoot:
And I lay my head back down
And I close my eyes and pray
To be only Yours
I pray
To be only Yours
I know that You're my ONLY Hope...

Only His... how incredible is that?! How PERSONAL is that?! It has been amazing to be here in Charlotte and not really have anyone to talk to so that He could bring me to know HIM. Intimately. Our relationship is so personal and I feel like the only girl in the universe that He's crazy about! Nothing shall separate me from His love. NOTHING shall separate me from Him. And I sensed that I am His one and only and we are in this adventure of life together. Whatever goes on around us only brings us closer together. We are inseperable. We are ONE! And He is so worthy of my trust: my only hope. One thing will never change and that is Him.

Thank you Lord that you are the consistent companion of my life. I am so honored to be only Yours- body soul and spirit and deep in my heart of hearts.
Love, Your precious Daughter