i have a cool new alarm clock i got for my b'day from dear ol' dad... it's an ipod alarm clock where the ipod charges all night and you can wake up to your choice of music. i have mine set on shuffle and this morning i got to listen to a john piper sermon on worship. he said 'are you worshipping God so to can get the blessing? It's as if you are you are saying " i don't want you God, i want the thing!'

hmmm so obvious but so subtle in life. i so often ask so much of Him but He continues to humble me. That in and of itself is amazing. How HE (not even me humbling myself, but HE... and I acknowledge and yield to it) humbles me in HIS sovereign grace. And Christ IN me gives me the power to say 'yes'.

He is the end all beat all above all of all things. HE. Father. God! It's all about Him and His glory and when I stop and think that I wanted the 'thing' I am blown away because He is so much greater. Why would I even worship that?

Lord I confess to you that I struggle with wanting things more than You! I declare today with my lips that NOTHING compares to you! You are bigger than time or space or anything my finite mind can conjure up. Not only that, but you are more glorious and beautiful and powerful and magnificent than words can describe. You are greater than words and I'll stop now that I may sit in your presense, declaring you are King of All.

why didn't anyone tell me about this season of life? i know i am not the only one b/c i am hearing it from the many of us who are in our twenties: where am i and what in the heck am i doing? i believe it was rachel who said it best when she said 'post college is the new middle school' i would even say it's worse. better in some ways (like, there aren't as many mean people i dont think, orrr... the mean people are just really good at it and they just deceive you instead) but worse in others (like you don't have the luxury of your life decisions being crystal clear... the obvious answer to "what will i do after 7th grade?" is always oh, I will go on to 8th, if i dont pass i will just try again! life is simple" . yikes. who can you trust to tell you the next step in this crazy world? i am tired of hearing 'get ahead' 'plan for the future' 'you have to achieve, work harder, beat everyone else out' is that really what we want?

we (yes me, mer, and jared) went to see crash tonight at the dolla' theater (and yes, i am campaigning for adoption by this precious couple). it was somewhat disturbing to see corruption and murder and all that comes with it, but like i've said before, those things are only symptoms of deeper issues. sandra bullock's character realized that it was not her stolen car that made her angry, but she had actually been angry for years and doesn't know why. (and anger itself is always a symptom of a deeper hurt or fear, right?).

it's amazing how feelings can take such a toll on you. enought 'feeling' can bring physical pain, emotional pain, and spiritual pain... it's amazing how that movie just stirred me up in a way that would bring some of my own issues to the surface. sometimes that's just what it takes. my mentor from the summer who is a kindred spirit of mine in the way of how we deal emotionally would always talk about how important it is to get 'em out... and if it takes a sad movie or song to do so, go for it. offer those up to the Lord, and receive the exchange. hm. i feel like i have been making more exchanges lately than ever before. joy for mourning. beauty for ashes. and more...

the world around us so often dictates and requires that we feel and act a certain way- asking for uniformity and conformity for some reason: just the opposite of what i believe God wants- We are reflections of His life and He has innumerable qualities and characteristics, feelings and desires.... so he made us in His image to let those out. Yet we live in the box the world throws around us, binding us and leaving us to e another face in the crowd. Then we buy the lie that God sees us as another face in the crowd too. Thank goodness He is totally 100% NOT that way!

We all have heard Psalm 139 a billion times (especially if you are a girl...) but I choose to receive life from this psalm because I need to know I am special, I need to know I am significant, and I need to know I am somebody. Resting in Christ meets these needs by faith while the world preaches the opposite. My prayer is that HE is the reality of our lives. This world and the forces of worldly thinking rushing all around us and, lets be honest, sometimes captivate us for some reason to think that this tangible touchable stuff is what it's all about is but a shadow, and breath, and it will be insignificant in the blink of an eye. He will still be because he was and is and is to come.

So what's MY reality today? Well that God is sovereign and the source of all things- MY reality is that my circumstances cannot change my joy and feelings for " 2It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out. 3As the heavens for height, and the earth for depth, so the heart of kings is unsearchable. 4Take away the dross from the silver, and the smith has material for a vessel; 5take away the wicked from the presence of the king, and his throne will be established in righteousness. " (Prov. 25) If i want to be or not I am still a part of the bigger masterpiece that He is orchestrating.

-I can rest because if He wanted me to have a family to come home to, He would give them, but he wants me in a strange city that's big and kinda scary that I may know Him more intimately. -I can rest because if He wanted me to have friends that are walking this road right beside me he would provide them but for now it's my job to know Him more intimately and He is keeping me to it.
-I can rest because if He wanted me feeling comfortable, safe, and floating around in a pleasant happy time He would orchestrate that, but He has allowed this new transition phase that I might be displeased with the temporary highs of the world for the sake of knowing Him in a raw and real way. He's the adventure.

HE


is Life.


all other things will fade, but HE who is not bound by space or time and is an inconceivable being who somehow had baptized us into His life and shares it with us now is here, intimately connected with us by faith. the spiritual me is the real me, and what a mystery that truly is... "2It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out." Good thing it's about His glory and not ours. Good thing He has the upper hand in being the creator and orchestrator of all, leaving us desperately depending on Him for every need.