It is my hope that I walk in the Spirit... and when I don't that same Spirit lets me know.
I want so badly to be in control, to control others, to control my life as a whole. Why? In the deepest part of me I become afraid that my efforts to attain self worth aren't good enough (ha, they aren't... they also are not God's best for me!) I am afraid "they" will find out that what "they" think affects me and matters to me. I am afraid that God won't come through.
Yet, He already has.
He has placed a new heart in me and these fleshy episodes are just ways that He continues to make the new heart a reality. Oh it can be painful, confusing, maybe even embarrassing when my flesh is on display, but it's so good- the redemption that comes after. The WHOLE Gospel in my life is that He's forgiven me (done deal) but He's saved me from my self- my need to be in control- my need to be god. A lot of the time this is the core of sin: I have to be as god... and I will do what it takes to stay on my throne. Hm.
And then that failure comes, the rejection, the weakness is all made plain. So I turn to Him- He really is all I have and need. He is the Only One who can help! And like I said, He's making this new Heart in me a reality:
The most recent phrase I heard at church that so resonated with my God-given heart:
"Nothing is more uncongruent with grace than ungraciousness"
(Bob Flayhart)
We talkd about how often the "good christian" is praised for how much he reads, he prays, he attends church..." SICKENING! If he has not LOVE he is NOTHING!!!
It just highlights how God has been moving me to the heart of the gospel-
How do I regard life? How do I regard others? The gospel has a lot to say about this.
I have found that the more that I understand the gospel of grace in my life and the acceptance poured out on me, the more I can accept others. Everyone has their vices and carries their pain and such in different ways.
How do I see the disabled? The "sinners" ? The imprisoned?
The people that get on my nerves?
(and the conviction comes)
Their lives are just as valuable. I cannot place myself above them for Christ paid the same price for them. My worth (again) is not because I did or didn't do something they did, or because I am "better" than them... that's self righteousness and that's buying into the lie that I can create my own worth. My own existence.
I want to walk in the Spirit, where He is constantly meeting my needs so I am full of Him.
THEN I can love out of my fullness. Then I can hear His heart beating in me for His people. Out of what He's given, I can love without needing anything back because He is enough.
The Kingdom is coming little by little, one person at a time, through acceptance an compassion straight from the heart of Jesus in you and in me. Let HIM love you, let HIM love them. (Yes, Even "that person" :)
